The jaws of life... are wide open!

It caught me off guard because:

1. She's right.

2. I didn't realize Kreskin worked at my dentist's office.

I DO sleep with my mouth open. It's probably why I get chronic sore throats (and am always flossing small nocturnal mammals from between my teeth in the morning.) I hate that I do it, but I've been that way since childhood. During the day I function like a normal nose-breather. But when sleeping - my nostrils are like bent drinking straws. They are basically just for show. But that's not what I told her. What I said with my best poker face was, "Mayyyybe. What makes you say that?" "Oh, we can always tell who sleeps with their mouth open - it has to do with what your gums look like.” She told me that dentists can tell a lot about a person by looking in their mouths - like what medication they're on, whether or not they have asthma or allergies, and if they had tzatziki for lunch. Amazing. Over 30 years of dental care and here I thought all they were looking at was my teeth. Now I feel naked.

If dentists can figure out so much about you from your mouth, makes you wonder what OTHER doctors know. Does my optometrist know I hate turnips? Can my podiatrist tell I snuck into a double bill the other night? Does my ob-gyn know my PIN number?

I've always hated being an open mouth sleeper. It makes for a repulsive scene if I want to take a catnap on a plane or a bus, which I avoid at all costs. I don't want to end up as a Monday morning YouTube forward.

While drooling and heavy breathing might be desirable in some circles, it ain't in mine. I swear, sometimes I wonder why Scott shares a bed with me. Ever shift position at night and end up facing your bedmate? Coming face to face with me, dead asleep at 2 a.m. is like facing the yawning mouth of an ancient sewage pipe. While we're at it, I am also a blanket hog (probably because I'm losing all of that heat through my face hole.) God love him, he's never said a word about it. Because he is a smart, smart man.

So after a night of sacrificing my saliva to my pillow, my mornings usually involve prying my dry lips off my teeth and attempting to rehydrate.

I've recently been googling how mouth breathing at night can ruin your life (oh, Google - sometimes you are a drama queen!) So, I'm on a mission to give this night time nose-breathing thing a go. Some people on the internet machine say they've trained themselves to breathe through their nose using those adhesive Breathe Right nose strips that expand your nostrils. So - I'll give that a try and see what happens. If only to see what the hygienist has to say in 6 months.