Partner swapping: Is it the best of both worlds?

For most, your values, principles and fears don’t allow you to follow through on your desire for sexual adventure. We bury our appetite for exploration for the sake of a loving relationship and sexual exclusivity. Others opt for infidelity. While some choose couple swapping, also known as swinging.

There are many reasons why couples decide to swing. They perceive their choice as a sign of the ultimate in personal growth, of themselves and their couple. They strive to eliminate the word jealousy from their vocabulary. Instead, they talk of equality, liberty, and respect. They simply wish to expand their horizons.

For others, the incessant desire for new experiences may be the result of a need for constant intense stimulation. When life appears boring, when faced with a sense of inner emptiness, the individual searches for a way to feel alive. They seek out experiences that will leave them feeling more alive. Sex can be one way to fill that emptiness, at least temporarily

Some swing to fulfill an unsatisfying sex life. Some exchange partners in order to act out certain sexual exploits that their regular partner refuses to. Others accept to participate upon their partner’s request in order to appear more open than they really are. Under threat or fear of losing their partner, they comply.

Before you experiment, it is important to understand the significance and potential impact it may have on you. Make sure that it respects your values and your limits; otherwise you may seriously regret the swinging experience.

It is true; routine can render your relationship humdrum and less stimulating as the years go by. Sex can become predictable; the same touch, the same foreplay, the same kisses unfolding in a very predictable way. The same body to caress, to hold, to smell and to look at, a person that we no longer truly try to seduce, taking them much too often for granted. It is important to break with routine and have a sex life that is fulfilling and stimulating. This demands effort and creativity. You must find different ways of approaching your partner, seducing them and rediscovering their body. This applies to men and women alike.

Although sex may become less passionate, this passion is often replaced by feelings of sharing and tenderness through the sweet caress and embrace that is rich in meaning. There is an emotional and spiritual dimension that cannot necessarily be found in couple swapping. Making love to the one we so tenderly adore, the one who immediately understands the meaning of our glance and our touch, the one who, with the force and intensity of their desire seeks to get closer and more intimate with us. Herein lies the irreplaceable experience.

But the same can be said for a sexual experience involving a new partner. The game of seduction is in itself an extremely exciting adventure. Just knowing that someone you are trying to seduce finds you attractive is very validating. Then, to follow through on this is the fulfillment of one’s desire, without restraint, without guilt. To see, to touch and caress a new body and the pleasure that results may be extremely satisfying. Not to mention the pleasure of being caressed by another set of hands, smell another’s scent, to feel the desire and arousal of another just for you.

One must not forget there is a distinct difference between fantasy and reality. You may find someone very physically attractive, but in bed, he/she is no dynamo! How would you react if your partner, who on their end, is having the time of their life? If the mere idea of your partner highly aroused in the arms of another is unbearable, imagine what it would be like in reality. It is not unusual under these circumstances for one to experience feelings of jealousy and insecurity regarding their relationship. The fear of no longer measuring up and having to compete sexually, are all feelings that are at times experienced by those who partake in swinging. Yet, in couples where swinging works for them, they describe their relationship as one with great communication, intimacy and mutual respect. It is a relationship without jealousy or control. Sex takes on a different meaning depending on the situation.

As we can see, swinging has its advantages, but also its risks. Regardless of which path you choose, you will be faced at one time or another with the pluses and minuses of either worlds. You must continually adjust yourself; either by being more creative in order to break that routine or by adjusting yourself to your partner’s feelings throughout your sexual experiences as swingers. Is swinging the best of both worlds? It’s up to you to decide. Questions, concerns, column suggestions? Leave a comment here or email sex therapist Catherine Novac at catherinenovac@videotron.ca.