You know that guy who prepares ALL YEAR for Halloween? He turns his front lawn into a graveyard, powers up the smoke machine and gets a tetanus shot just so he can rent a real life werewolf? You might think he's got the right idea. But if he's missing the one key element to a successful Halloween, he's got it all wrong. The ONE thing that can earn you true adoration and respect on Halloween? The RIGHT candy.
So to help you make an informed choice, here are few treats to avoid:
Last time I checked a raisin wasn't a candy. Anything that congeals into a solid mass before it gets eaten is not so much a treat as it is a paperweight. Raisins are filler for trail mix, a scourge on the common cookie and the lamest excuse for a Halloween handout. Well, until you consider apples. The ultimate razor blade hideout. In fact, when I need a refill for my Mach 3 that's the first place I look. If you made it yourself or bought it in the produce section - it's in the trash faster than last week's publi-sac. We'll have lots of time for popcorn balls when they survive nuclear war.
What made it okay for dentists to hand out toothbrushes? This is unacceptable. Do mechanics hand out brake pads? Would a podiatrist toss you some callous removers? If you're using Halloween as a business networking tool the only thing you're advertising is that you want your windows egged at 3am.
Remember those rock-hard toffees wrapped in waxy orange and black paper? No one actually eats them. They were from a single batch made in 1897 that just keep getting recycled back into the food chain. The hard candies you get with your bill at a restaurant? Don't even try to pawn those off. I've been to Jack Astors too, alright? Oh, and despite the fact that they come in brightly coloured packages, condiment packets will never ever be considered candy.
Even if you think you've palmed any of these items discreetly into an open bag, think again. That kid on your stoop is watching your every move. And later, sifting through his collected contents on the kitchen table, he'll see that half-eaten tube of mentos and make a mental note of which flowerbed to pee in come spring.
If all this is too much to ask, turn off the lights and read under the covers till November. But on Halloween it's easy to be a superstar. You don't need to be the guy who overspends on decorations. You could have a lazy eye, wear mom jeans and smell like meatballs. But if your candy kicks ass - the world is your oyster.
Which reminds me. Seafood? Also a bad idea.
Nat Lauzon can be heard weekdays from 10-1 on Mix 96 and will be ladling gravy on Halloween.
