Ask Amcal

Every Christmas it’s the same. My 17-year-old son, who thinks he deserves a Ferrari for Christmas, tells me I’m stupid and just hangs out with his friends for the holidays. My daughter parties ‘til midnight and won’t tell me what she’s up to. And my husband thinks Christmas is the perfect time to renovate the guest bathroom! I’m stuck trying to keep peace in the family. This is supposed to be such a happy time. But we’re just coming apart at the seams – yelling at each other most of the time. What shall I do?

This is fairly typical of what AMCAL hears from parents around this time of the year. Tempers boil over and if there are weaknesses in family relationships, they surface and the family cracks. Someone invariably walks away angry and it’s really hard to pull the family back together without some help. That’s what AMCAL is for.

We have a 25-year track record of helping families in difficulty. This Christmas scenario is usually easier to resolve than what most of our families face. Behavioural crises in children and teens usually bring families to AMCAL and these are always symptomatic of deeper problems in family relationships.

At AMCAL, we believe the family is a child’s greatest support. So by strengthening the family, the child’s issues can be worked out with longer-lasting benefits to everyone. We take outreach counselling into the home or recommend our residential program when the child and family need some respite and some individual professional attention.

Healthy family life is a much more delicate balance than most people are prepared to admit and there should be no shame in seeking help for those relationships that are so dear to us and essential to our well-being.

So how do we get through Christmas?

Planning, planning, and more planning — it’s never too late, even if it’s only for the next day’s events.

First option is to call a family meeting. Bring everyone together, from the youngest children to the oldest, husbands and wives included, and make up your strategy for the next 24 to 48 hours. Ask everyone to write down how they would like to spend the next few days. Offer some suggestions and let them know that everyone must accept at least one responsibility over normal household assignments. So if your son usually shovels snow or just picks up his clothes, have him do that PLUS one other task to help out the main holiday organizer.

Step two is to ask everyone what their wish list is regarding activities. Everyone gets to pick one solo activity, but then must commit their “happy” participation to at least one agreed-upon family activity.

Once everyone understands that, by sharing responsibilities, holidays can be fun for everyone, the grumbling should simmer down. The adults are really key role models for their children, by choosing family harmony over individual preferences.

Compromise is the key. However parents’ expectations are even more important. Be realistic when setting goals for “together” time. Remember, if you don’t usually spend much time together, holidays may seem overwhelming to younger children, and especially teenagers. And adding extended family and friends sends stress levels soaring.

Survival is the objective, so holiday time is not necessarily the best time to expect changes to happen. Once all the gifts have been opened, or returned, it is time to plan for next year. Holiday responsibility should never fall on one person’s shoulders and happiness at holiday time is out of anyone’s control!

What we can control is our reactions to the stresses that come. Remember, Santa has his reindeer to clean up after — so how bad can an un-shovelled driveway really be?! Have a PEACEFUL and wonderful holiday season!

Amcal’s Residential Program provides a safe, nurturing alternative environment for families experiencing difficulties with their teens. We also offer Outreach Family Counselling, and School-Based services. For more information about all our programs and services, visit our web site: www.amcal.ca, or contact us at: (514) 694-3161, or at afs@amcal.ca