Ask Amcal

<@Ri>This year is starting off so difficult! We have 3 kids going in 6 different directions, and my spouse travels a lot on business, so we’re always struggling just to keep in touch and keep everyone’s schedule straight. I feel like my kids have a closer relationship with their computers than they do with me, and don’t even ask about my spouse—I think he loves his laptop more than me! My cell phone was my friend when the kids were younger, helping me keep it together, but now I cringe when it rings. Where did it all go wrong? How can I get my family to stop and smell the roses with me?

Tuned in and still stressed out<@$p>

Dear stressed out,

You’re right. The days are long gone when “batteries not included” were the only details parents needed to worry about, and “turn off the TV” was effective advice. We’re turned “on” all the time now, even if we try to ignore the cell phone ringing in our purse or pocket. The techno-revolution has invaded our homes and robbed us of one our most precious commodities: our time. Not only do PDAs, BlackBerrys and pagers keep us connected to our offices 24/7. Cell phones, the Internet, I Pods, DVDs and portable CD players have taken possession of our homes and family lives, and can take up every waking minute of our days.

We all grumble about our kids in their respective bedrooms endlessly instant messaging their friends or playing computer games. We complain about the information overload that gives us more choices than we can ever make in one lifetime. But we all seem powerless to resist. Both kids and adults can be seduced by the world of virtual identities and online relationships—which can be infinitely more sizzling and satisfying than the routine, real-life people we have around us every day.

Technology gives us the illusion of infinite possibilities; reality can look pretty ragged by comparison. But we’re too busy to stop and think about this. We’re too busy playing telephone tag with a colleague who’s given us four numbers to “help” us reach him (office, cell, pager, home). We’re too busy checking office emails while on the family vacation. Our lives, like our inboxes, are full, but sometimes our most significant relationships seem empty.

Our basic human needs—for commitment and understanding, for acceptance and belonging—haven’t changed. And technology can help us reassure a child waiting after school that we’re on our way. But these shiny new high tech toys can also trigger old-fashioned, gut-wrenching dilemmas. Technology can also ruin trust in a relationship when a partner finds “evidence” of online affairs. It’s hard to ignore the problem of work intruding in your personal life when your spouse’s laptop literally lies on the pillow between you.

So, what’s a techno-stressed parent to do? Here are some techniques to help avoid the tyranny of technology: • Borrow a page from AA, and admit the power that technology has become in your life. Make a decision to spend more time in the real world of real relationships. • Build back some of those boundaries that have been broken by technology. University of Calgary’s John Mueller, writing in Stress News (2001), suggests constructing a psychological firewall between your home and your office, to reclaim your home as your sanctuary. This is where your kids can explore real relationships, learn about your family values, and test out their identities, and the consequences of their choices, in the real world. • Deliberately program (into your Palm Pilot, if you have to) real-time relationship-time, some “unplugged” time on a regular basis —either to nurture couple closeness or reclaim face-to-face family time. • Schedule a time when you will turn off beepers, phones and faxes, and tune in to the people closest to you. Consider what memories your children will have of family vacations if everyone is plugged into their individual entertainment system for the whole ride!

We all need real time to love and laugh and unwind. Maybe we need to connect less to the Internet and more to our real-time relationships. Some of us are old enough to remember when “laptops” conjured up images of snuggling up to parents or grandparents. Maybe we need to remember that laptops have other definitions, and uses!

Amcal’s Residential Program provides a safe, nurturing alternative environment for families experiencing difficulties with their teens. We also offer Outreach Family Counselling, and School-Based services. For more information about all our programs and services, visit our web site: www.amcal.ca, or contact us at: (514) 694-3161, or at afs@amcal.ca

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