A Crime of Fashion

Warmer weather is a welcome change. Well, welcome until you're forced to see what's been hiding under those bulky winter coats for months. Yes, as soon as the sunny weather hits so does the influx of fashion crime. Recently, on my radio show I asked people to name the biggest fashion faux pas. And there were plenty. Among the cringe-worthiest: black underwear with white pants (eew), dresses over pants (why?), visible panty lines (4 butt cheeks), spandex (even skinny people have cellulite!) and black shoes with white socks (Michael Jackson, circa 1984).

Of them all, there was one particular fashion no-no that was mentioned time and time again...socks and sandals! Looks like grandpa was ahead of the fashion curve for years and didn't even know it. For something so universally abhorred, the sock/sandal combo seems to have a firm, ahem, foothold in all levels of society. From your everyday soccer mom to F-list celebrities like Kevin Federline (who actually did it with a thong sandal!). I guarantee you on any given summer day you'll see a seemingly normal person walking down the street, and then notice all kinds of wrong goin' on down there on their feet. And you'll want to ask....whyyyyyy? Sandals are meant to be worn with a naked foot. If you pair it with a sock you not only give us license to dream up all sorts of icky reasons that you need to hide your feet, but seriously, you might as well just wear a shoe. So, for the love of god, JUST WEAR SHOES. Or move to a hippie commune and make hemp purses.

Another familiar fashion crime is the whole baggy pant/exposed boxers thing. 1992 called. It wants you to stop thinking it's still relevant. Seriously, why is this still happening? And the baggier the pants, the crappier the attitude. Though, I'd cop a 'tude too if I had to waddle through an ocean of denim everyday. And not just walking, either. Ever see someone in saggy drawers try to run? Holding up their pants with one hand and flipping the bird with the other. And then there's the double whammy of the exposed underwear. Which to me, negates the whole tough guy image. I CAN SEE YOUR UNDERPANTS! That's funny! Actually, a friend told me she recently saw, for sale, a pair of pants with a FAKE strip of underwear stitched onto the waist! So the wearer has that attractive exposed-boxers look without the annoyance of hiking up real underwear all the time. I was amazed. And confused. Because, are you supposed to even WEAR underwear with the fake underwear pants? If so, what kind? If you wear boxers, should you pull your real boxers up past the fake boxers? Astounding, when it gets to that level really.

Anyway. Crimes of fashion. They'll be on the rise. Be prepared to stare, cringe, laugh, cry and make a citizen's arrest if need be. Now, pardon me, I think I just heard the dryer buzzer go off. My zubaz pants must be done.