Bad parent. Good parent. We all strive to be the latter, but probably worry we spend too many days being the former. Supermom/dad is truly a fantasy notion for most of us. We’re just trying to get through the day being the best we can be—even if that means pizza for dinner and unfinished homework.
Then maybe there comes a time in your child’s life when you wish that all you had to worry about was junk food and incomplete school projects. Maybe there comes a time when your child reaches those inevitable teenage years, and you wonder what happened to that sweet toddler, that curious kid with the gap-toothed smile. Suddenly, it’s like an alien has taken over your child’s body, and your quiet child is downright sullen, your cheery child is often mouthy. Family times turn into stand-offs, your good kid is often uncooperative and uninterested, and you begin to dread receiving report cards. It’s a universal truth that the teenage years are often turbulent: hormones kick in, limits are tested, and teen angst makes some “tune out” as new, mature identities are (eventually!) formed.
Parental identities may also take a hit. Your authority may be questioned, your patience surely will be, and you may genuinely wonder if you can cope with all the changes your child is going through. It can be hard to distinguish: is this just a “stage” your teen will come out of, or is this behaviour a sign that more serious trouble may be ahead? When should you “chillax,” when should you worry—or, at least, pay closer attention to your teen?
Parenting is an especially delicate balancing act in the 21st century, when families are so diverse, and roles so fluidly defined. Yet some things never change, and one of those is our role, as parents, in clarifying that love doesn’t mean “anything goes.” Love means “affection with accountability.” Parenting is not a popularity contest. Our job as parents is not to be liked, but to use our mature judgement, to model the self-discipline and courage required to set and maintain appropriate boundaries. Parents need to be explicit about family values and about their expectations for their children. We especially need to be clear and consistent about consequences when our children cross certain boundaries.
If you are concerned that your teen has become “too much” for you to handle, if you wonder if your teen is acting within a “normal” range of teen behaviour, if your feel you are failing as a parent because you can no longer control your teen the way you could before: don’t despair. This stage is also an opportunity for a new beginning in your relationship with your child. You can help your teen make positive changes and choices as s/he grows up and goes out into the world.
Amcal has developed the following “ten-step” checklist. If you have noticed more than four or five of the following “red flags,” you may want to seek outside intervention to prevent further deterioration of the situation:
ü At school: your teen’s grades suddenly drop, or s/he starts failing courses.
ü Between school and home: your teen is chronically absent, or running away—to escape dealing with issues.
ü After school: your teen stops participating in activities that s/he previously enjoyed (e.g. sports). Research suggests that the hours between 3 and 6 p.m. can be dangerous: teens often become involved in situations their parents would not approve during that time frame.
ü At home: your teen refuses to participate in family events, do chores, or adhere to family rules (e.g. curfews).
Regarding the teen’s behaviour:
ü Despite your teen’s denials: do you have concerns about his/her use or abuse of drugs (e.g. cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana and other drugs)?
ü Is your teen associating with a peer group you worry will be a negative influence on him/her?
ü Is your teen becoming more secretive, deceptive, lying to you?
ü Is your teen more verbally aggressive (e.g. screaming, shouting obscenities)?
ü Is your teen becoming more physically aggressive (e.g. pushing and shoving parents or siblings), which suggests the teen’s anger is being displaced onto others?
ü Have you noticed a dramatic change in your teen’s personality, or personal hygiene?
If you see some of these signs: first, face reality. Admit the situation in your household has become unmanageable. Next, be pro-active: inform yourself about the extent and impact of such aspects as drugs, gangs, cyberspace, and sexual pressures in your teen’s life. Then, resolve to find more successful ways of handling these issues. Draw on community resources, such as Amcal’s Residential Program, which offers 8 weeks of respite care for teens, a Parents’ Support Group, and 14 weeks of family counselling, specially designed for families who hit rough patches. Take the first step in a new direction: find new ways of talking to your teen about your concerns, and build better relationships in the whole family. Most importantly, repeat messages of love: teens who are troubled especially need to hear them, as we all do, whatever our age!
The family: a child’s most treasured resource. Amcal’s Residential Program and Outreach Family Counselling services: a family’s valuable resources when challenges arise. For more information about all our programs and services, visit our web site: www.amcal.ca, or contact us at: 514-694-3161, or at afs@amcal.ca
Amcal Family Services: Your family matters...building healthy family relationships for over 30 years.
