Video game battle for your hearts and minds

Let's face it, folks. Our elections are boring. South of the border, we have a former prisoner of war battling it out with the first African American nominee for president of the United States of America.

Here, we have…a bunch of nerds.

So in an attempt to spice things up, let's drop all our leaders. And instead, let's dig into our pool of well-established video game icons for suitable replacements.

Stéphane Dion is seen as an honest, hard-working man with a penchant for wanting to save the environment and a bit of warmth to him, but that is counter-balanced by an absolutely stunning lack of charisma and leadership skills, as well as an apparent wimpiness.

Super Mario, who has been leading the popularity contest for video game characters almost since the beginning, would be an ideal replacement.

Charisma? Mario's got it in spades. Tell me one person who heard "It's a-me, Mario!" for the first time when the N64 came out in 1996 and did not immediately want to grab the controller and accompany our plump plumber friend on his latest adventure.

Dion's campaign has been suffering due to his lack of adequate air transportation, but all Mario would need is a Super Feather to grow a cape and just fly wherever he needs to. On top of that, he's got access to clean, green warp pipes that connect him to anywhere he wishes. What's ecologically friendlier than completely fuel-free magic transport?

Plus, the man's proven himself to be a rugged outdoorsman ten times over. He's been through volcanic craters, atop mountains and even inside the digestive systems of gigantic whales.

Weak on foreign policy? I don't think so. Just ask arch-enemy Bowser Koopa, who has had his entire army's butt kicked by the moustache man every single time he's tried to kidnap his girlfriend or take over the world.

Working class family man Jack Layton is beloved by some of the poor and afflicted of our country, but, even more so than Dion, is perceived as weak when it comes to the international stage.

Well that wouldn't be a problem with Guile, the don't-take-crap U.S. Forces soldier from Capcom's Street Fighter games. Like Layton, Guile does not come from an affluent background, and he's a family man. Heck, Guile's stories usually involve him reuniting with his wife and kid.

Maybe his army background might not sit well with the pacifist NDP crowd, but wait 'til they hear why this guy enlisted. His best friend, Charlie, was a soldier killed after participating in the Street Fighter tournament to take down a shadowy drug lord. Guile decided to avenge him. That's the perfect mixture of brotherhood and family love to keep the peaceniks happy and machismo to pick up the more war-mongering crowd.

Elizabeth May's Greens are all about protecting the environment and living our lives in a way that would be more considerate of the Earth and its fragile ecosystem.

You are not going to find anyone more concerned about protecting Earth Realm than Rayden, the imposing god of thunder plucked from Japanese mythology to appear in the Mortal Kombat games.

Sure, Rayden's in charge of protecting Earth from an evil inter-dimensional empire, not oil and forestry conglomerates, but really, you say tomato, he says tomaato.

More importantly, he also says: "what do you mean you're not letting me participate in the televised leader's debate? How about I blow your head to smithereens with a well-placed electric bolt? Changed your mind? Thought that might happen."

OK, so the Final Fantasy VII protagonist does not have a French-sounding name. Is that really what BQ supporters want, or someone who represents Quebec interests in Ottawa? Ever seen this guy represent people's interests? He kicked a gigantic, evil corporation trying to exploit his home planet's resources right in the butt by joining an armed resistance group.

Also, his one-time lover was a rural flower shop girl, which should sit in well with the small-c rural conservative base the party enjoys.

And, all that armed resistance stuff? Strife pulled it off with a biiig sword. In other words, don't try to pull another "nuit des longs couteaux" on this guy's watch, because I'm pretty sure his is bigger than yours.

What are some of the things that annoy people the most about Prime Minister Stephen Harper? He's not a fan of the environment, he's rumoured to have a secret, "right-wing" agenda, some say he doesn’t like immigrants or the arts, and he's got the personality of a doorknob.

Perhaps a series of slowly descending horizontal and vertical blocks might not seem like the best replacement for him at first glance, then, but hold your shotguns and give it a thought.

The Tetris Blocks are absolutely good for the environment. Notice how they all sort of disappear into thin air when aligned properly? If the Blocks could implement that as a governmental policy, Canada would effectively have the most efficient waste management program on the planet.

Try as the Liberals might, they would be unable to pin any charges of a secret, right-wing agenda to stick on these shapes. After all, they're inanimate blocks. They can barely walk or strategize, and are usually two-dimensional. What could they possibly hide?

You just know the blocks will stand up for multiculturalism, as their favourite music is Russian ballet (albeit a cheaply synthesized version thereof), and the arts scene would have nothing to worry about. After all, their video game usually rewards those who earn the highest scores by displaying nicely drawn landscapes or treating them to a classic music concert.

And you can rest assured a bunch of squares has more personality and kindness than Harper. After all, Tetris is just about the only game that asks you to "please try again" when you hit the game over screen.

But don't let that make you think for a second your vote would be going to waste on a no-good hippie here. Like Harper, the Tetris blocks are quick to put up an entire wall in front of anybody who would oppose them, stonewall their opponents, if you will. Not to mention, they're also quite good at crushing any who stand in their way.