Friendship: One of life’s most treasured relationships

When my children moved out of Montreal and I was devastated from the impact of their departure, my friends were there to console me with words of wisdom. When certain health issues were a concern, my friends were supportive and reassuring and never allowed me to envision the worst possible scenario. Their presence was uplifting and calming and gave me the strength to think positively.

But mostly when the girls (my friends) assemble for a dinner, a ballet, a concert, or any of our occasions, we truly have a fabulous time. The evening is replete with laughter and the warmth of camaraderie. As we mature, all friendships alter slightly and may begin to encompass more of our life as they start to replace familial ones. Without their company we can become very lonely and isolated individuals. But of course, not all these bonds are always healthy ones, but we should learn to sort and keep those authentic ones and discard the artificial.

Loyalty, time and circumstance are valid barometers of friendship. We must sift, accept and appreciate their precious benefits. Women appear to realize that earlier on and many hold onto these attachments especially since men do not truly understand the female emotional psyche. Research has demonstrated that the female mind is actually much more complex, and typically because boyfriends or husbands may not completely understand them, women may turn to their friends as a sympathetic sounding board.

The development of special bonds usually originates early on, but I must confess that some of my closest relationships have evolved in the last 15 or 20 years or so as I meet people with common interests and principles. By this mature time in my life, I have passed that searching stage and hopefully I have also developed a self-awareness that is influential in friendship choices as well.

When and how does this special life long relationship occur? Young children meet and share toys in the classroom and discover the joy of having another person with whom to communicate and be entertained. At this point, playing alone moves towards playing with others but the interaction and play of females and males differ slightly.

Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D, co-author of 'Best Friends, Worst Enemies and Mom, They’re Teasing Me,' has written that that in a child’s imaginary world there is perfect harmony even when the conflicts occur but there is real flexibility in their exchanges. He has commented that that it is unfortunate that this does not continue, as they get older. In this preschool environment, boys and girls exhibit different types of play, says Cohen as girls are more relationship oriented and boys are more drawn to the activity and less on the interaction.

Throughout life we have always conditioned our boys and girls differently, therefore friendship cannot evolve in the same way for both. Besides that, evidence has pointed out that girls and boys are wired differently as girls tend to be more emotionally expressive. The female is also instructed to be nice, caring, nurturing and supposed to suppress aggressiveness while boys are encouraged to exhibit certain toughness. As a result of all this conditioning girls transfer those sublimated sentiments of anger into silence, which results in that “meanness” that they can portray to others through hurtful comments or exclusion.

Elementary school is when that best friend dependency originates. In fact, many people do not realize how much boys also value this connection throughout childhood and adolescence. Some studies have proven that many boys are even better at maintaining friendships than girls. Girls can be more spiteful while boys tease and test themselves and allow their anger to be released. But once the teenage years commence, and both sexes include each other into their circle, additional friendship complications arise. There is also that movement away from parental reliance and a necessary searching for a place to belong. Some teens sail through calmly with very little upheaval and others struggle desperately to fit in. Teens without friends or those who are victimized because they are not part of a group, suffer terribly and as a result do poorly in school due to loss of self esteem.

Allie, a mid-Westmount resident, discussed her difficult teenage years as a time when she occasionally felt invisible in the crowd. She had problems fitting in and could never measure up to be included. That inferiority followed her until she entered CEGEP and then her feelings of inadequacy dissipated but some scars remain. “Looking back, I realize how hard it was not to belong but it really does not affect your life after high school.”

Sean, a Selwyn House Secondary 4 student, was always an athlete and he connected with the other guys through sports, which eliminated those social complications. Cindy from Trafalger who lives on Roslyn, has not had too many negative relationships. “There were days when some girls would gang up on others because they did not dress right. They would ignore them, bully through emails, and one year, I was a victim. I felt horrible and even my mother suffered with me. I could not do a thing and I just waited it out and to this day, I never knew why they turned against me. Now I am really careful with whom my friends are.”

Debbie and I were almost inseparable from the age of 4 until 15 but it was hard to maintain this idyllic momentum of the perfect friendship. We did everything together and I resented the time when things changed. Today I understand why as it was perfectly normal to grow apart as everyone evolves differently. Sometimes forces beyond our control intervene, and change and occasionally the friendship cannot remain static.

Parents must always be aware of their child’s friendships and peer influences and they should also encourage this very significant interaction early on. Friends can be a variety of connections and stabilizing forces that enrich our lives and their importance grows with age. In relation to my friendship with Debbie, we did travel in different directions, with our personal routes, but our history has remained the steadfast glue that could not be undone or pried apart, and we shall be always and forever…..friends!