Rock the Vote (or at least shake it up a little)

It's election time. Doesn't inspire as much excitement as Hammer time or Miller time, does it? Compared to the U.S. presidential race, our election

tastes flatter than a day-old can of Coke on the dashboard. We're practically begging for a scandalous reason to wikipedia any one of the

candidates. Where's the drama? Where's the excitement? Canadian politics needs to kick it up a notch and here are a few ways to do it:

Platforms. Is there a dustier word to be had in politics? "Platform" makes me think of a splintered plank balanced on a couple of overturned flower pots. I don't want to hear about your platform. I think I made your platform in Grade 7 Shop Class. Be current, be cool. If you want to sell me on your political catwalk or your political facebook application - this kid is all ears.

Leaders debate.:

If you can put the TV on mute and it's just as engaging as it is with audio, something needs to be tweaked. Maybe a nipple. Seriously. Would you not watch a debate where the candidates get to purple nurple each other every time they disagree? I'd even go for Rock PaperScissors. Or a mud wrestle.

Campaign Posters.:

Give me someone I can relate to. Just once I'd like to see a candidate with a few poppyseeds crammed in their veneers or a dab of tissue on a shaving nick. I want to know the day that photo was taken, this guy was so busy solving the nation's crises that he had no time to

waste on personal grooming. I want to vote for someone who understands the concerns of the common individual. I want to vote for someone with split ends.

Ever notice there are rarely any backgrounds on posters?

Even my elementary school photos came with a laser beam backdrop (I just happened to be traipsing through an intergalactic war wearing my best Coconut Joe shirt). Politicians should really consider having relevant backgrounds on their posters. Like the view from Mount

Royal or the set of Rock of Love starring Brett Michaels.

Oh, and just one more thought on campaign posters. Since so many billboards end up getting Sharpie makeovers anyway, I think election posters should be pre-graffitied: Devil ears, fake glasses, twirly

mustaches, whatever. The benefit is twofold: bad guys wouldn't try to deface them and we could just vote for whoever has the best drawn-on sideburns.

Gladhanding.:

When politicians go out to meet people, they should stop kissing babies and start making out with other peoples' spouses.

I realize with Canadians going to the polls in just days, it won't be easy to implement my suggestions immediately. So for now just keep in mind

that there really is only one Party that matters at election time. And that's the party with the best snacks and the free drinks.

Nat Lauzon can be heard weekdays from 10-1 on Mix 96 and reminds you that eating your ballot is a crime, even if it tastes like chicken.