Ask Amcal

Dear Amcal,

I’m beginning to get really worried about my son. Last year he was making trouble at school. We eventually found out he has a mild learning disability. We got him a tutor, and things seemed to be going better. This winter he started getting into trouble again (skipping class, swearing at the teacher). We tried talking to him, and laying down the law. My husband thinks he’s just a “typical teen.” Then yesterday, I got another call at work from the principal. I want to get off this roller-coaster. I want my son to do well at school. I don’t want to be afraid to pick up the phone. I also don’t want to spend the whole summer worrying what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with. My husband and I don’t agree: what do you think is the best way to handle this?

Alarmed mom

Dear Alarmed,

You and your husband aren’t the only ones. Professionals who work with troubled children don’t always agree. They admit it’s not easy to know for sure: is he just going through a bad phase, or is this a sign of something more serious going on? Dr. Kenneth Hardy is a Professor of Family Therapy in Philadelphia who has worked extensively with youth in crisis or turmoil. Dr. Hardy comments that coping with adolescents can be a daunting prospect.

It can be hard to tell the difference between a “normally” rebellious youth and a teen that is at-risk. Teens normally “act out”—every parent recognizes “testing the limits.” But some teens also engage in more serious, risky behaviours. Sometimes it’s hard for parents to know when their child has really gone “beyond it,” and needs some kind of outside intervention.

Every adolescent struggles with puberty, identity issues, peer and school pressures. It’s natural for teens to be depressed when they break up with their boy/girlfriends. We’ve all been known to skip a class (or a meeting), or try to talk our way out of trouble, or get mad if we feel mistreated or misunderstood. Parents don’t want to overreact to the bad behaviour and attitudes that all teens (and adults) display from time to time.

But experts agree that truly troubling signs parents should watch for are the frequency and level of risk of the youth’s behaviour. Critical signs that adolescents could be headed for serious crisis occur when the teens’ actions are harmful to themselves or others around them, or when incidents of concern seem to be persistent or escalating. At that point, therapists suggest, the situation is unlikely to get better on its own. It’s not something the teen will just “grow out of.” Both teens and parents may need to seek professional help.

Parents should watch for the following “worry signs” that their teen might be at risk for more dangerous behaviour:

 The incidents of concern are multiplying, and you seem to stumble from one crisis to another: the school has called you several times; she’s missed her curfew repeatedly; and she responds to most of your questions with a “whatever” attitude.

 You feel the situation is spiralling out of control: not only is he out late too many nights, you’re sure his friends are into drugs, and his grades have crashed.

 You notice an abrupt change in your teen’s personal hygiene, sleeping patterns, personality or attitude: she sleeps all day; he’s driving recklessly.

 Your teen’s behaviour is hurting him or her or others, or is destructive to other’s property: she’s come home drunk from too many parties; he’s constantly bullying his little brother; he’s with a gang that was in trouble for slashing tires.

Despite your best parental care and guidance, and your best efforts to cooperate with school and other authorities, you may feel unable to cope in such cases. You may need to consider individual or family therapy, or a Residential Program such as Amcal’s, to help your family find better ways to deal with your concerns. Remember that seeking outside help is a sign of wisdom and strength, not failure, and can be the first step in a new, healthier and happier direction for the whole family.

Amcal Family Services’ team of professionals is committed to promoting and preserving healthy family relationships. As a community based organization, we will anticipate, advocate and advance the role of families, thereby strengthening communities. Amcal’s Residential Program provides a safe, nurturing alternative environment for families experiencing difficulties with their teens. We also offer Outreach Family Counselling, School-Based services, and after-school groups for children to help families find positive solutions to the issues they identify. Amcal is proud to be supported by West Island Community Shares.

For more information about all our programs and services, visit our web site: www.amcal.ca or contact us at: (514) 694-3161, or at afs@amcal.ca

Amcal Family Services: Your family matters…building healthy family relationships for over 25 years.