Phoney Baloney

I fully appreciate the practicality of having one for emergencies. And that would be fine if that's how it stayed. But as soon as someone cradles that cute, shiny stylish little toy in their hand the definition of "emergency" starts to unravel. Soon enough, everything qualifies as an urgent matter (can you tape Lost?) and that phone becomes another permanent tether to your social life. Before you know it, you become that loud phone-talker on the bus having a 15 minute conversation about why your watchband smells like Doritos.

Cellphones are just too tempting nowadays. The colours, the games, the ringtones, the texting, the cute animals in the ad campaigns. It's a world of entertainment at your fingertips. If only they'd stayed the beastly, lead-weight contraptions they used to be. If you thought you might pull a muscle every time you answered the phone you might think twice about having one. Back in the day if you used a cellphone for 'emergency purposes' it was only to beat a bad guy over the head with it.

I read a recent stat that said the average age for a child to own a cellphone will soon be 8. 8 years old! When I was 8 the only reason I was ever on the phone was to perform the obligatory "Hi Grandma, thanks for the present" birthday call. Phones weren't fun. They were tedious to dial, annoying to hold and basically kept you on a fiber-optic leash for way more time than you wanted to sit still. No kid I knew was into gabbing on the phone. Apparently now, 8 year olds lead very enterprising, task-burdened lives and must have immediate access to a blackberry in case the cafeteria runs out of chocolate milk.

Did you know there is a "fart symphony" ringtone that is an absolute best seller? Heh, okay that wasn't fair because I actually secretly love this, so let's move on...

I will say this though - the thought of having a cellphone is tempting in at least one scenario. Have you had the pleasure of using a public phone booth lately? And not just to urinate on, I mean. Because for the handful of us that occasionally need to use one, it is a real exercise in gag reflex control. And you get to pay 50 cents for the pleasure of standing inside it. That's good times.

Still, the cons outweigh the pros for me - at least for now. If mobile phones evolve to the point of making lattes, then I might reconsider. For now though, this kid refuses to cell out.